Good evening, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to another life-saving installment of . . .
How to Survive a SHiVeR!
On tonight’s program, we’ll be examining those Shivers that are most likely to deceive you. Despite their seemingly harmless appearances, these are some of the ghastliest, creepiest, and pig-tailed monstrosities that you, yes you, could fall victim to if you let your guard down.
So turn off the lights, pull down the shades, snag that mouth-watering Swanson dinner out of the oven, and do not, under any circumstances, touch that dial!
Staying tuned could save your life.
The Blob
If you see this creature, do not, we repeat, DO NOT try to spread it on your morning toast--much as it might resemble your grandma's home-made raspberry jam. For the Blob is more likely to have you for breakfast.
Born from a meteorite, this wobbly wonder devours everything in its path, from raccoon carcasses to entire diners to Aunt Edna's shoes. It has a particular taste for drunken teenagers.
This is not the kind of Shiver you can get rid of by simply mashing it to the underside of your desk. No. If you find yourself facing this fearsome globule of space fat, DON'T PANIC. Simply grab the nearest fire extinguisher, pull the pin, and spray liberally. The Blob will freeze and shatter faster than the hard candies in your grandmother’s serving dish.
You might be able to eat it at that point. But I, ladies and gentlemen, would not want to be the first to try.
Pod People
Say, who’s that attractive fellow walking down the street? He looks so dapper and so confident. Why . . . it’s you!
Or is it?
If you find your doppelgänger walking toward you, you may be tempted to buy him a root beer float. But we must insist that this handsome devil is more likely a creature born from a plant-based pod than your long-lost twin.
So if you do see your mirror counterpart, we must insist that you run, don't walk--
Hold on, ladies and gentlemen, there seems to be a disturbance in the studio. I'll be back shortly.
. . .
Ahem. Where were we? Ah yes. Run . . . toward your double. They are quite friendly and do not mean you any harm. This reporter is happy to be the first to say that when it comes to our plant-based duplicates, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Besides, didn't Mom always say you need your vegetables?
The Devil Wears Pigtails
“Why, hello there, princess! You’re looking quite pretty today! How about a toffee?”
These, dear watcher, could be the last words you ever speak. Unless you know what to look for, that is!
There is a little girl on the loose who would set you on fire as soon as look at you. While most young blonde darlings are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, this misleading misanthrope was created with a far more hellish cocktail. Try razorblades, gasoline, and deadly tap shoes for a start!
Watch for the subtle glint in the child's eye. The wry smile. The fingers coyly playing with a matchbook. And do not, under any circumstances, accept a basket of kisses.
Trust us on this one.
That's it for this week's installment of . . .
KNOW YOUR SHiVeRS!
Until next week's program, sleep tight. But not too tight.
